Please know that as I write this post I am being extremely honest and I know that God has a reason for me writing this....so that someday i can look back and know how he again carried me.
In my last post I said that the last three weeks have been a whirlwind of activity for our house. I believe that this is an understatment. There have been so many changes in such a short time. Some changes that I found I was easily ready and able to rejoice over. Other changes that I grieved and to some extent still do.
On April 21, 2011 I walked out of a courtroom and was told by a judge that he hoped to never see me back again. I was handed a piece of paper and told that I was ok to leave. A divorce. How can so many years of your life be as simple as a piece of paper and walking out of a courtroom. Now, for anyone who knows my story, you know that by no means is it simple. However, it is simple. On this day I rejoice for so many reasons. The thing I did not share is the grief. I know that there were problems in my marriage and that it truly is a blessing to be on the path to a new road. I do not regret at all what I did. I don't regret not being with that person. However, I grieved what the divorce ment. I lost someone that was so close to me. I lost the person that I could tell ANYTHING to. I failed at my marriage. I hurt my child. I brought lonliness and hurt upon myself. Now, as you sit and read those things I hope that you are catching that they are not all true. They are flat out lies, but I will adress that in a bit.
The next big challenge in the last couple of weeks was a change in a relationship. Now, it is not a secret to anyone who is reading this that I am no longer "dating" anyone. However, I feel that for my own sake I want to address this. For anyone who has ever dated I am sure that you can relate when I say that I again had moments of greif. I again felt like I failed. I am a horrible communicator. It has to be my weight. I must have needed to do something different. Martin is right...I am not worth being with. Are you again wondering what the lies are for? What about the one that I am not worth loving. Wow, talk about that weighing heavy on my heart.
So, here is the thing. This past week I tried desperately to find answers to so many questions from an earthly source. I begged to understand what was going on. I hung up the phone and wept. I cried for so many different reasons. I cried because I felt lost, because I didn't feel valued, because, because, because. I sat there and felt drawn to my bible. Where do I begin Lord. Where do you want me to go.... I heard no answer. So the tears continued to come. I can honestly say that I do not remember the last time I cried that hard. I felt SO horrible as I sat on that couch and finally, literally, cried out to God asking why and will it ever end. I can't even begin to explain the peace that all the sudden came over me. The knowing Gods love that I felt. It was like he whispered in my ear and said that I am valued, I am loved, I am worth everything that I imagine I am worth. I am a treasure.
As that moment came over me I decided to write an email. As I sat there and wrote I felt like I was writing to a person. I even addressed the email. However, I look back and know that it was nothing more then God using me to answer my own questions. I would like to include it. Please read below.
Did you know I fear...I fear things like what if something ever happens to me and Paityn is left to only Martin. What if I am here with her alone and something happens to me...will it scare her, will she know what to do? Will she ever be a victim of the abuse that I was a victim of? What about fearing thing slike sitting alone when she is gone. I fear the lonely hours when Satan is going to try his hardest to get in my heart and head. The times when he knows I am weak and will try to fill me with doubt and worry....something that God does not want in my life. I need you to know that I will no longer be asking for answers to my questions. It is not at all because I do not have a deisre to understand. However, my answers won't ever come from you, they can only come from God and he is who I need to turn to in order to find them.
Wow, I can not even explain the way that it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
No comments:
Post a Comment